United States of India : Here it Comes!

-By Vaibhav Kaushal

History books say that India was liberated from the hands of British on August 15, 1947. They are right. However, the time is near when India will once again note a noteworthy date in its history books. Date is not yet predictable, or perhaps it has already crossed by. Now, I cannot tell you the date but I can surely tell the event. The event is – India is soon to become one of the states of USA. I am not sure whether it will be declared as a territory because it is far away from the mainland of USA. So, when did it happen?

This was a long process and involved mutual consent of both Indian and USA government. And it was probably one of the rarest events in history of mankind that not only the governments but the people too cooperated to turn this dream into reality. The process was slow and very few people took notice of the progress but as a matter of fact (and surprise), the process is about to complete quite soon. It all began with Talent Acquisition.

Talent Acquisition

More than a decade ago, the PM of India, the then Financial Minister of India opened gates of Indian borders for foreign countries. United States, being one of the biggest helpers of all under-developed and developing countries came ahead and started pouring its funds. It not only convinced India that they will be helping the country get their technology right but also allowed its cash rich companies to bring the super idiotic people from India to elevate them above poverty line.

America also allowed these downtrodden, poor, starving-to-death idiotic people to reach high positions in major tech companies. Since Indian companies in both public and private sector were short of cash, America offered peanuts to the Indian idiots (henceforth referred to as ‘monkeys’) so that the monkeys did not starve to death; after all something is better than nothing. This encouraged all the monkeys in India to open their mouth and run to America. America being one of the most generous and peace-seeking countries the world has ever seen let them in. I know that the subheading ‘Talent Acquisition’ does not really fit the scene because all US took from India were some monkeys who love peanuts. India the most non-violent country (keeping aside rapes, murders, thievery, riots and economical instability) offered the best it could – monkeys who love peanuts. Hence, US gained the best talented monkeys India had to offer.

Today India is very proud to have helped America by sending monkeys. As a matter of fact, the people of India feel proud and brag about the fact that their monkeys are serving a large part of government agencies and super-rich companies of the most peace-seeking country in the world, the country which is so much into the belief of peace that it can attack any country if the peace is challenged. This was stage one of the merger which is going to bring tears in the Indian eyes, including mine.

Market Acquisition

After a lot of monkeys were already helped and some were still in the process of receiving their citizenships and homes near peanut factories in USA, USA thought about helping ‘people of India’ further which, of course the most honest of Indian leaders always wanted. Slowly but steadily India allowed American beverage companies to come in the Indian market and start selling the most healthy refreshments ever created – carbonated drinks. You must already be aware that carbonated drinks help digestion, are full of fruit content and help relax your blood pressure. Also, since they are served chilled, they help bring the atmospheric temperature of India down. This was such a help. For every single precious bottle American companies made, they only took less than $0.25 which was a meagre amount compared to the richness they brought to USA and enhanced the style statement of the common Indian. Next came in food companies which helped India rise above the alarming levels of starvation.

Some Indians are in the opinion that USA is not getting rich by just a few billion dollars its companies earn from India. They are right. After all, the original reason why India was liberated from the hands of British was being merged with USA.

Quite recently, USA and Indian governments took notice of about (probably more than) 250 million Indian people who have been working their ass off to make a living. They both saw an opportunity that those people can have some relaxation time. Hence they mutually decided and Indian government introduced FDI which would automate a large part of work done by those 250 million people so that they can stop working and finally have some leisure time. For this America took the eye-wetting burden to ask its companies to setup offices. Also, since American companies were already helping the poor people of India to finally eat some nice and spicy food of rich variety, Indian government passed the Food Security bill which would simply let any poor to get food. My eyes are already wet seeing the help America has been bestowing upon India. Wow! Such tender hearts, generous and helpful people Americans are. Long live America.

Data Acquisition

By this time, America had helped India so much that their economy started shattering and I am talking about the recent times. America wanted to help India further but it was a little short on cash. Its economy was hanging on thread by companies that sold advertisements on the Internet. It is also worth remembering that Indian people were enjoying American advertisement companies’ help. They normally helped Indians to search their phones and keyrings in the house along with telling them when to turn left and when to turn right on the road. Until this time, no one in India knew how to find out ways in an unknown place because nobody talked to any person. But now, all the Indians had a mobile to talk to. Thank God, USA was there to save Indians from falling into ditches. Advertisement companies helped Indians feel secure by shouting on the Internet. And in turn, all they asked from Indians was their data, like “What you like in breakfast?” or “Where do you travel usually?” or “What kind of food do you like?” You know, those kinds of trivial questions.

Since no one in Indian government knew what those questions actually were, Indians kept enjoying free services from ever-so-helpful US companies. Now Indians could check in and share pictures and locations and what not. It really made India a country rich in culture. Now, Indian government did not have intelligent monkeys (they were all in the USA already). So they did not know how to create software for emailing (the actual problem was eye sight because there were some software for free, which Indians could not see). A great ‘Goggles’ company came to help and offered their email servers for meagre price so that India could finally have emails within the government. But then, a moron named Edward Snowden started babbling about some security issues. This son of a good man was then made to flee the USA (thank God a few million times again) because he had gone mad and mad is not tolerated in USA, only peace is.

Some newspapers in India said that after the fear created by babbler Edward, Indian government was going to shift email servers. However, no news came in thereafter. Well, it goes without saying that since India was already on the path of merger with the US, there was probably no need to shift email servers.

Acquisition is almost complete

Well, the time finally came in recently and this marks as the milestone of our era. An American company which shares its first character with the word ‘Greatness’ has come forward to help Indian government manage its voting system. And it is now that my eyes are so on tears. They have offered so much help to the downtrodden land of India and helped them rise to the new heights of technology. With the recent help, India will finally merge all its citizen information with America, making India one; one with the US, one with the world. A place where only peace prevails, just the way the good land of America wanted. Since during the data acquisition procedure, all the data of Indian people were already imported to America, the procedure was almost complete. Now that the ‘G’reat company of America is going to help Indians maintain their own country, all official recognition data will also be sent to USA so that differences made by the God and oceans could be merged.

Thank you India, Thank you America

I am thankful that America came to help. How else would have Indians voted this time? How would we get more advertisements (colourful advertisements are better than peaceful times)? It is such a help. I am eagerly waiting for the time when Indians would not want visa to the most powerful country ever and the dreams of all Indian monkeys will come true. This official data merger of voters’ identity will be a dream-come-true for the protector of the world – the NSA and the peacekeeper realm – the USA. Finally the government of USA have won India. Congrats to them. And congrats to Indian monkeys (and wannabe monkeys) because finally America will know everything about you! Hey monkeys, come home, thy dreamland awaits!

God bless India because it has already blessed America.

Posted on Jan 06, 2014 12:24 PM
comments powered by Disqus